I sat in my counselor’s office and stared at her blankly as she asked me again to talk about things we had talked about many times before. Usually I didn’t have a problem talking about them. In fact, I really didn’t feel anything most of the time, so it was fairly easy to discuss what I could remember. I would soon recognize that it wasn’t my lack of feeling that caused the numbness, it was severe dissociation and an inability to look at the things that caused the pain without crumbling.
I refused to view myself as a victim for a long time. I didn’t want to be one. A lot of people called me brave, but back then it was ironically fear that was fueling the valiance. Over time and through intensive counseling I finally came to terms with the things I had experienced and the reality that I had been a victim. And boy oh boy did it hit me hard. All of a sudden I was engulfed in a world of paralysis, crippled by the thoughts that I had pushed away for so long.
That was pre-freedom Becca.
They hurt me. They took things from me that weren’t theirs to take. I didn’t plan to be abused. I didn’t expect to get raped. I never imagined I would get diagnosed with PTSD and spend years recovering from a long list of things that I never dreamed would happen to me. I didn’t ask for any of it.
Do you know what else I didn’t ask for? The grace and love of a Savior who will stop at nothing to rescue what is His. But I got it. I got enough of it to cover every single inch of damage and more.
But before I would find refuge in that truth, victim mentality became a comfort zone. It was like my eyes became adjusted to a really dark room. I still couldn’t really see anything, but the thought of facing the light again became scarier than staying hidden in the darkness. When I eventually decided to walk out of the shadow of fear and allowed the Lord to start using the hurt in my life just as He promised He would, the results blew my mind. They have been nothing short of miraculous. I have seen Him create more healing through what was once broken in me than I could have ever imagined.
Sometimes being a victim can become a security blanket. Please hear me and know that I would never minimize the severity or lasting effects of things that have been done to you. I get it and I would implore you to recognize any victimization you have experienced.
The problem comes when we get comfortable rolling with the punches and just waiting for the next one instead of standing up and fighting back against the enemy who wants nothing more than to keep us down forever.
There comes a point in time when we need to stand up, take hold of the hand that is reaching out and let Him pull us up again. Use the crutches, the wheelchair or whatever else you need to start moving again. God will provide the resources and the tools you need along the way.
If you’re anything like me, allowing Him to help you up can seem like a huge feat, but let me tell you from experience that it’s a mindset and a heart posture. God can handle the heavy lifting.
Accepting help starts by consciously making the choice that you are going to let Him.
Do you have a right to feel like a victim? Absolutely. But you also have the right to kick Satan in the teeth and refuse to live in the bondage that he would love to keep you in for the rest of your life. He knows that if he can do that then he can ruin your relationships, steal your joy and ensure that you don’t step into everything God created you to be.
The pain makes sense, the freedom doesn’t. That’s how our God works.
He specializes in the impossible and loves showing off through breaking the chains His kids feel stuck in.
If you feel like you just can’t get up, here are some questions I had to ask myself that I would challenge you to ask as well:
- Are you willing to let the healing begin? The Bible tells us that God stands and knocks, waiting for us to answer the door to our hearts.
- Have you positioned yourself to accept Him? Do you put yourself in positions to receive His love and word by going to church, reading your Bible, surrounding yourself with and accepting help from other people who love Him?
I know it’s hard, trust me. It’s a daily battle. But the battle is much harder when we fight it on our own and accepting defeat is not something we were created to do.
Don’t cheat yourself by deciding God can’t help you without giving Him the chance to do so. You can’t say a rain coat isn’t waterproof if you don’t wear it in the rain
The beauty of coming to terms with our brokenness is found in the full realization of our inability to be OK – a recognition of weakness so great that we see the magnitude of our need for a savior.
Facing brokenness means facing the rescue of a lifetime. The more we see our brokenness the more we recognize our need for God which leads to a dependency that no past, present or future harm can ever overcome.
Do you want to know something funny? Now that God has miraculously freed me from the chains of my past, a lot of people say that I am in denial. It doesn’t make sense that I could be where I am today, especially not this “soon”. That is why I am so determined to share and show what He has done, and I encourage you to dive headfirst into your healing process so you can do the same!
You need Him. I need Him. He’s here. Let’s go.
“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” Revelation 3:20